Sometimes we need reminders of who we once were. I forgot how I stood up for other people when I was a young woman. How I stood up for what was honorable. How I demanded honesty and respectability. I still require all of these things, but I’ve been distracted with kids and health ailments – so I forgot how I was long ago.
I’m still everything that I was back then, but I’m tired now. I’m only presently remembering what I can do. Realizing what I require. Sometimes it takes someone from the past to remind you of what you once were, so you can be that again.
I got married when I was 25 and I thought I was so mature then. I felt like the world was going to open up for me, and great things were coming. I was wrong and naive – too trusting. I gave up pieces of myself bit by bit over the years.
I quieted my voice to make another comfortable in my space. I let go of my creativity and the desire to make things beautiful with my hands.
I had my daughters, and for 12 years my focus has been on family. Not on me. I stayed home with them and walked them to and from school. Spent all of my waking time taking care of their growth and learning about the world.
The times that I wanted to focus on some of my own interests I was considered to be selfish. So I let go of myself more every day.
I started homeschooling Ava because she wanted to – I never had a desire to be a teacher (I went to school for Interior Design). It has worked out to be the best way for her to learn – she knew what she needed and asked for it. I’m proud of her for trusting herself enough to ask.
There were so many late nights preparing schoolwork for her in the beginning…I felt pressure to create the schoolroom environment for her at home. That phase passed after that first year – now I wing it and stay a week ahead of her. Less stress for me and we still complete the work by the end of the school year.
I have become her advocate over the years and if anyone questions our choice to learn at home, or my parenting style, I will have words with them. That 25 year old girl would have done the same – but she would have been a hell of a lot less worn out.
Going forward, I’ll no longer give anyone the space to stifle my creativity. I know what my purpose is in life. I remember why I’ve taken a tough path. I’ve got this. All on my own.