This photo was taken at the end of my pregnancy. (Six days later, at my baby shower, my water broke and Ava arrived 6 hours after that. Her Auntie joked about her missing out on seeing all of the great shoes she was receiving as gifts, and an hour later I was heading for the hospital.)

    (Last week at music class when we were supposed to be quietly following the teacher, Ava loudly started complimenting me on my new shoes – which she hadn’t seen before. “Mommy, you have new shoes! Your shoes are so pretty Mommy!” I was laughing and trying to hush her at the same time. She’s such a girl.)

    Anyways, this post is supposed to be about me….

    I like this photo because it foreshadows my contemplation and decisions to come. It’s a quiet moment, on a beautiful day, and my butt looks great! Kidding, partially…. Actually, I was kicking butt at Bocce Ball and feeling strong. This strength will always carry me along. (Sometimes this strength blasts through and takes down whatever opposition is in the way, and she does it with a smile.)

    I’ve always been a creative person and I have both Type B & A qualities. I’m very organized, punctual, and business minded which fulfills the Type A requirements. As for the Type B traits, I love to make things with my hands and to write. I just sold my Wedding Decorating Company, and started another company under which I’ll make and sell bags and jewellery. (Once I have some product ready I’ll start an Etsy shop.) I’m looking forward to my evenings being filled with baubles and fabric.

    I’m a Pisces, and I recently found out that I have a lot of Aries in me as well – which makes so much sense. A lot of the time when people complain, or waffle, I hear in my head “Just deal with it!” Make a decision! Change your life! Buy those shoes! The Aries doesn’t take over, thank God, and most of the time I’m very sensitive and I get my feelings hurt regularly. I’m a romantic and I know that life will only get better from here. I have arrived into my 30’s and I’m excited!

    I feel more like myself than I ever have before. No more hiding my thoughts because others can’t handle my truth. I have a history of quietly losing myself when in a relationship with a man. I’ve always been so different than the men I was with that I withheld myself. Honestly, I didn’t want to freak them out – some things that I think about are kind of out there. Now that I’m older and wiser, I see clearly that none of these men were right for me. They didn’t fit into my life, not the other way around. Too bad I didn’t get this by 20.

    I feel like I’ve moved past a crossroad in my life and now I have to make another decision. Perhaps re-make a decision – perhaps solidify a decision – perhaps change a decision. And around and around in my head it goes. At least I’m clear on the topic of the decision. Sometimes I have moments when I see how endearing I am, and there’s no one else there to appreciate it. I know, I know, the wrong people were there (see two paragraphs above).

    Overall, I’m flawed, real, and the perfect role model for my daughter.

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  • Reply Solo Mommy

    I felt like a single parent for most of my pregnancy and Ava's first year. Her Daddy was involved, but emotionally I was on my own. I feel so much better now because even though I'm exhausted most of the time, at least I'm only dealing with my own feelings, and not the heaviness of the other person's struggles.

    I'm acutely aware of how I am around Ava as her experience with me forms her internalization of this world. At the same time, I verbally snap, and have grumpy days, and say things occasionally in a tone that I don't like – and I make sure to apologize and explain why I feel frustration. All I can do is be me, and I can't be sweet all of the time. (During moments of complete grocery store meltdowns all I want to do is scream and throw my own tantrum. Sometimes I want to yell at her Daddy for never having to deal with this type of situation. Usually after a rough trip out Ava will say something totally cute, and I take a breath and let go of the experience.)

    In the end, we have to do what's best for ourselves as women because if we're not happy and healthy in all areas then what good are we to our little ones? I knew that Ava having a happy Mommy was more important than keeping the family unit together in misery. Her Daddy is able to "be on" with her because he gets the time that he needs to recharge. (He gets a lot of this time in comparison, which is why I have to forgive myself for my moments of being less patient.)

    We usually don't "have it all together" [as people] because we're constantly in a state of growth and change. The ideal of how we want to be in our relationship with our little ones, and the reality of what it looks like usually run parallel – and on really good days they intertwine.

    What we can do is enjoy who we are, and be solid, independent, and graceful women.

    May 26, 2010 at 3:05 am
  • Reply

    I had a cry when I read your blog. I cried because you spoke to the mom in me that feels like a single parent; you spoke to the woman who has a hard time speaking for herself sometimes; you spoke to the guide that was chosen to bring another being along for the earliest part of their journey in this life, on this earth. Thanks for speaking when I don't have the voice to. Thanks for making it easier for me to find my truth and realize I'm doing ok.

    May 26, 2010 at 3:05 am
  • Reply Suzanne Leavitt

    I, too was a solo mommy times four. I, too made a few mistakes in my choice of men. But I survived. And I am now a grandmother times four. I can teach both by my example and by my mistakes. Best wishes to you.

    May 26, 2010 at 3:05 am
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