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    Musings, Humanity

    My Rage…My Prerogative.

    Ava’s watercolour painting…

     

    I have this fire in my stomach that’s burning for change. A rage so old that I wonder if I should meditate it out, or just ride the wave of fury. This is something that can no longer be stuffed down and glossed over with calm thoughts. It needs to be released now. There’s no time like the present. If I don’t get it out will I implode or explode? I wonder….

    I can feel it in my throat. A lifetime of unspoken words. Occasions when I should have stood taller. Conversations where I could have been more direct. Moments when I tirelessly defended myself when I should have just told the other person to step back and delve into their own life, not mine.

    Rage is a complex thing as a woman. By nature, we’re not supposed to be aggressive in our emotions. We’re expected to remain polite no matter what filth is being thrown at us. Inappropriate comment from a man – just smile and pretend that either we didn’t hear it, or that it doesn’t bother us. If we’re blamed for things that we didn’t do then we’re supposed to apologize to calm the situation so it doesn’t escalate. If the kids are having a hard time it’s presumed that we’ll  step in every time to help them decompress -without feeling resentment.

    When do we get to unwind? Right now, can I open my front door and yell into the neighbourhood to release this tension? Probably not a good idea, but that’s what I feel like doing.

    Fire burns hot and then at some point it turns into a pile of ember. I’d like to look at my anger in that way. Strong right now, but slowly burning out until it’s just a flicker…like a pilot light…ready to be ignited when needed. When I need to be an advocate for my daughters – ignited. When I need to set a clear boundary with someone – ignited. Productive anger…like a firm handshake and a smile.

    So much pain buried in anger. Sadness. So much of myself given up to others who are deeply hurt inside. My time is worth something. Being there for other people when I also have so much at home to care for. Who’s more important to me than me? If I’m not centered then my kids won’t be. If I’m not clear on what I want, and how things are going to be, then how can the space that I create for my girls be harmonious?

    Power. True power comes from knowing oneself and never varying from the boundaries that we set with others. Rage dissipates when people feel heard and acknowledged. When people take accountability for their lives.

    …and suddenly I feel like I can exhale. Just needed to get those thoughts out.

     

     

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