Home…that feels like an in between place right now. I know where I’m coming from and where I’m going, but I’m currently in a middle ground – a no man’s land. Literally.
Major decisions have been made, and I’m walking away from my residence. I’m not scared though because my true home is within me.
Ten years ago, I wrote a post called “Home?“, but this time around is very different. I’m just as firm in my choices but I’m so much more now. I’m watching my 41st birthday approach and I couldn’t be happier. So far my 40’s have been incredible – the total freedom from considering what others think about me has been liberating. I’m still bombarded with outside opinions and scrutiny, but the difference is that now I can see through others ill intentions. Their mess is not mine to fix. Love is never painful. Manipulation is. Lies, and being the constant dumping ground for others is arduous.
My heart is the authentic place for me to be. I’ll do whatever I need to do to protect it. No one will pass through that door unless I choose to give them the key.
Ever since I was a young child my heart was in a lock box. I was my own defender, and I faced so many threats alone. “They” say that children give their hearts to a caregiver at age 5 – either parent, a grandparent, or an adult close to them. I gave my heart to no one, and I kept it to myself. I could trust myself. It felt like a long reality of being left flailing in the breeze. The Hip had it right in their song “Lionized”…”cold wind blowing over…” something.
One day I’ll open my essence to another…the connection will have to be beyond anything that I could ever envision. Is it possible that this exists? I have a vivid imagination so I believe it could be so.
My independence is important to me now to heal. I’m happy to have my space to rejuvenate and recuperate.
I’m home. My soul is in my eyes. My heart is shielded, but open to those who are genuine.